Broken, I sat in my one-bedroom apartment, which I couldn’t afford. Wondering what would become of us. My debts maxed out well beyond anything I could attempt to earn in one year. My job was temporary but my baby was not.
I sought God in desperation with no money to turn to. No wisdom to understand. No wise counsel. No friends. No family nearby. No one to turn to for help.
But God.
God, I don’t know what to do. I can’t believe I’m pregnant. I can’t believe this is happening again. I can’t believe it’s happened from some guy I would have never even chosen to have sex with.
It’s not fair! I demanded.
I knew abortion would never be an option. Maybe because of the wombs I watched and the tiny babies I held.
That guy didn’t. When I talked to that guy on the phone and he said, “We’ll decide what to do with it,” I replied, “No, we won’t. I’m not having an abortion.” He balked, I remember.
But I was resolved and there was no talking me into anything I didn’t want this time. This child is a precious life. A gift from my Creator God. No one was talking me out of that belief.
Still, what would I do? How could I love wholeheartedly when I might be reminded of the hurt, day in and day out?
I grabbed the phone book and looked up adoption centers. Several ads promised caring help and someone who would love a child when I didn’t think I could. I believed in adoption. I believed there would be families who needed a child, knew how to love well and take care of mine.
Surely, couldn’t someone else do a better job than me? Doesn’t my baby deserve better than the lack I have to offer?
But I couldn’t reconcile this wondering. I didn’t think I could hand over a child. And I couldn’t think of another way to make it work.
After making a few calls and speaking to someone who sounded genuinely caring, I sat in tears. How much I longed for someone to care for me and this child. One phone call made it seem like there was an option.
Scared & trembling, I prayed.
My heart tore in two. How could I give up my baby? How could I not? I asked God to show me what to do.
Almost immediately He answered.
I took care of you with your first son. I’ll take care of you with this child, too. Trust me.
Then I knew. I needed to persevere despite how much I wanted to let everything go and pretend it all never happened. I needed to keep going – one day at a time. I had no idea how to do this, how to trust God to provide in the days to come.
But I knew He was capable of getting us through. I believed His words to my heart and held them closely as they repeated over and over again.
His words weren’t just for me, but for this child I carried. The one I would fight through hell and high water to care for. The one God chose for me. The one God entrusted me with. The one who’s future wasn’t just in my hands, but in His.
I’ll take care of you. Trust me.
More to come…Finding Hope After Date Rape
{If you haven’t read the other parts to this story you may be interested in the following posts.}
Share Your Story Linkup – #choosehope #lifematters
The What Ifs About Life & Abortion
Hope for the Woman Who Believes Abortion is Her Only Choice
I know this has been a story you have been waiting and praying to share; wading through the many layers of memories to retell His love for and through your life. Thank you for sharing the hard things, for the way you are exposing the gentle faith seeds that God planted in you to bloom and grow at such a time as this. Praying He multiplies the harvest being sown in faithfulness in you ans through this gift of grace. So blessed to call you friend.
Love,
Dawn
Thank you friend. I feel your care & virtual hugs. 🙂 You are a treasure.