A few months back, around Mother’s Day, I wrote a series from the perspective of a broken mother’s heart.
Those bitter tears came in seasons which brought various kinds of pain, the kinds a mama feels for loss, for change, for challenges. They have broken me.
I have often wished for something different.
I have wished my children were schooled anywhere but with me.
I have wished for less children. More children. Different children. Yes, this is an ugly truth.
I have cried out that God would just calm that child down, make them do their work, get them to submit and obey.
I have asked and pleaded in prayer for “the right’ things when it came to my children, only to see them live out all the “wrong things”.
I have wondered…Lord, do you see? Do you care? Have you ever been there?
Fear, loneliness, frustration.
They crept in all too often. My eyes looked around and focused on that which was not. I could not see that which would be. I got stuck in the whirlwinds around me and missed the peace to be found in the midst.
I would pray, “Why Lord, why should I be a single mom, a grieving mom, a foster mom, a home school mom, a ministry mom, a lonely mom, a frustrated & angry mom, an anxious mom, a woefully inadequate mom?”
I have wished to live something different and it caused death in my heart while God was wanting something different to come alive in me.
I have failed time and time again.
God did not. God does not. God will not.
What I couldn’t see was the something different God had for me.
Today I still find myself fighting that same struggle. One day it feels as though I’ve come so far in this journey of life. On other days it feels the journey will never end.
I fight for my something different and he keeps his something different tenderly close, always patient. He is faithful.
He sees every tear, every mess, every worry and every night filled with exhaustion.
He sees my mind struggling to know what to do and how to do well and offers a place of rest.
He knows my heart’s desires and has compassion.
He allows the scraping of my soul and soothes it, fills it, covers it.
He does not give all the explanations, but he gives a glimpse now into the beauty that he desires to bring.
He reminds me of the beauty He has brought, of the something different that He has done.
You know what? I never wanted to say this. I never thought I could say this, or admit to it. I am thankful that things didn’t turn out like I had planned. I am thankful I didn’t get the something different I was looking for.
Because of all the wrong things in my life, I have seen a more righteous God.
Because I have been weak and failed, I have seen a mightier God.
Because I have not gotten what I wanted, I have seen a good and grace-filled God.
When I have wanted something different, there was something different God wanted for me.
In the end, his something different has been, and will be, far greater.
Today and tomorrow, may it be His something different I wish for.
The different ended up being your ultimate blessing because ti brought you closer to God and that is a beautiful thing. Thank you for sharing from a place full of emotions and in this process teaching us that God gives us what we need every time. Have a beautiful week my friend! Mary
Amen! His blessings are far greater aren’t they Mary? Blessings on your week as well Mary.
God designed this post for me tonight! I am exhausted; in need of His presence to heal and restore this weary mother’s soul. My daughter has Autism and my son, well, he’s in the terrible twos so that explains it all, and tonight was draining. I ended up in a puddle of tears questioning how God could choose me to be their parent when I am so clearly botching it! Thanks for the beautiful reminder that God has me on the exact path with the exact children He wants me to be! Blessings from http://faithalongtheway.com!
Each time I start to feel down about all the things that aren’t ‘right’ with my life, God reminds me that this is where He placed me – for a reason – but also that this isn’t where He’s leaving me. These hurdles are stops along a greater journey and there’s a purpose in each of these steps. (at least that’s the hope I have on the really tough days)
Thanks for your honesty here, Jolene. There are so many elements of your post that ring true for me too. Often, I have wished for things to be different, but in time God shows me that his plans are so much better than mine. This is a beautiful reminder that we serve a mighty God who can handle our questions and our doubts. His grace is sufficient.
Because of all the wrong things in my life, I have seen a more righteous God. Because I have been weak and failed, I have seen a mightier God. — Oh Jolene…I can so relate to your words. As a former single mom who raised three boys “right” watched them do “wrong” and then turn around {like their mama} and now waiting on a Righteous God to sort it all out for righteousness to a thousand generations. Keep looking up. Don’t know how old your kids are, but grace does give us the strength to carry on. Blessings and more blessings to you and yours…
Jolene- this is so beautifully written and heartfelt. Why do we continually think that we know what the something different should be? But His something different is always better and always reveals more of Him. I’m so glad I stopped by here, as usual. Loved this!!
Oh, yes, Jolene, I’ve felt this way more times than I can count. I love how you point out how in all of those times I wished things were different and that I had made other choices, it is through those times God has loved on me and used for His glory in so. many. ways. I wouldn’t want to go back and do them again, but I also wouldn’t change anything because I’m who I am today in light of those decision and God’s work through them. Love you and your heart and your soul poured out here. Thank you for sharing and giving us all peace about our past and hope for the future. xoxo
Between the eyes and then into the heart. Your word’s hit home. Haven’t connected with you lately and wanted you to know I have missed you. Blessings, friend.