It’s been a long couple of weeks with emotional ups and downs. In fact, the last few years have been pretty full of roaster coaster movements and I wonder when I’ll get off.
I tend to look at my circumstances and view them like the rails that zoom way up and plunge way down. I can feel the heart stopping whips around curves, as if I’m riding in a car I have no control over.
But I want control. I want to make it happen. I want the better ending, here and now. I want the ride to go the way I want, without the major drop offs.
About this time is when it feels hardest to keep going.
All I really want to do is hide. If I can’t control it, I wish it away. I don’t want to deal with it and I’m pretty certain no one wants to deal with me. The enemies’ lies are more than a whisper and I sense the heaviness of sin & defiance waiting to squash me.
Then a worship song comes on. Or, I listen to a podcasted sermon. Or, someone says something that resonates with something else I heard, and it’s scriptural. Or, I remember, something I’ve heard before.
Something I believed but had forgotten.
My mind is given the opportunity to change focus. Will I choose to? Will I actively walk with God in steps of faith to renew my mind from the downward spiral I’m in the midst of?
These questions are faced time and time and time again. I write about faith, my word for this year is believe, and I’m tested repeatedly.
Do I believe? Will I turn towards the Lord and His word and trust in what He has already done for me over what I want to do for myself?
Instead of focusing on the ups and downs and the car which makes me feel trapped with no way out, and instead of hiding like I long to do, my heart begins to look outward & upward.
Eventually, I see things differently. I’m not really trapped after all. The ride of life is far less distressing and my circumstances seem minuscule as I feel the presence of God with me in greater ways. I feel His greatness over my own smallness.
He reminds me, again, “It is finished.”
Deep sigh. I release my grip and trust Him. I get off the roller coaster.
You see, I keep wanting to pick up the burdens and weights of task oriented righteousness while my loving Savior keeps his arms open wide and says, “Rest dear one. It’s been done for you.”
He reminds me that his arms opened wide to take those burdens once & for all.
I keep gripping tight to the wheel of my roller coaster car for perceived control, as if I need to figure it all out, as if it’s up to me. Fierce control over circumstances prevents the blessings of soothing grace which He willingly offers.
And I’m guessing, I’m not the only one.
My hands are tired of gripping hard. My heart wells with gratitude for our gracious King, Father, Redeemer, Savior, Spirit, Friend, Mighty God.
Through tears I cry out, “Lord, I don’t know what to do.”
In the quiet, he responds, “It’s OK. Dear child, it’s already done.”
with love, Jolene