When I crashed, I crashed hard.

I could barely get out of bed anymore. I thought I needed rest for a day or two to make up for all the activity of fostering multiple children in a unique set up in the country.

Those days turned into weeks. Tears lived on the edge of my eyes at all times. All my reflexes jerked with the slightest interruption of noise. My body betrayed what I wanted to believe was true, that since we were back home and the house was nearly empty, I could return to normal by sleeping in and doing things I enjoyed.

It took someone looking me in the eye and telling me I showed signs of PTSD to even consider the possibility that I needed healing.

He even said the word trauma.

I thought he was mistaken. The kids I’d cared for had trauma, but me?


Choose Healing as a New Way to Live

As much as I wanted the pain to stop, I wasn’t so sure I needed a therapist. I wanted change, but therapy is pricey. Besides that, I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t strong enough to come through this season without it deeply impacting me.

When our marriage struggled and my ability to handle pain became threadbare, I started being receptive to help.

A friend mentioned EMDR and highly encouraged I check it out, though I had no idea what it meant. I was skeptical.

Other friends recommended inner healing prayer, healing ministries, and Celebrate Recovery.

Options dotted the fog of my brain, holding little value or understanding.

I read a couple of books on suffering and trusting God in hard times. They validated my pain, valued the suffering and struggles I dealt with, and offered hope.

Life Long Patterns Indicate Need for Healing and Growth

As I pressed on, it became clear. I’d needed help for a long time in many areas of my life.

Not just healing from recent trauma but healing from a life of fear and unhealthy beliefs. I didn’t want to move forward the way I’d lived before.

Decades ago, I spent a month in the hospital for disordered eating, significant depression, and self-harm. I lived better afterward but not truly healed. It was time for something altogether different.

What my life would look like in the future depended on the choices I would make when it came crashing down.

Every day is a choice towards a healthy life or away from it. Collapsing in utter inability brought me to a crossroads for the future.

I chose healing however God chose to bring it.

I don’t know what you’re facing today, but I wonder if you’ve felt like the world’s too overwhelming to face. We don’t have to face it all, and certainly not all at once Not even close.

Although it doesn’t feel easy to rest in this, at my core I believe God knows our needs better than we do. I also believe God wants to each of us through a healing path that’s better than we could see for ourselves.



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