Sometimes life hits you with a double whammy, a triple play or a straight out free for all. Circumstances knock you off your feet, take your breath away & cause you to wonder if life will ever be good again.
That thing you’ve waited for isn’t going to happen. That broken relationship you’ve prayed over may not be restored, after all your hoping. You feel as if you might not get up again. So you cry out. To your family, to your friends, to anyone who’ll listen. Or, you curl up in a ball with no energy or desire to talk to anyone or do anything about it.
Well, maybe you don’t. I do. I have & I still tend to. What I wish I did more consistently is to cry honestly & lay myself bare before God – full of hope.
He knows it all. He can take it. Even so, I often forget that. Then I feel like giving up.
The last two weeks have been emotional roller coasters to an extreme. The enemy crouched near & I let him. I let his destructive lies penetrate because I equated my circumstances with overall defeat.
I’ve been through cycles of anger & sadness while begging Him to move on my behalf. Begging for circumstances to change.
Please dear God, just this one thing. Can’t you just let this go right? Can’t we move forward in a season without all this ridiculous pain? I’ve had enough.
Dark places have become too familiar and seeing them again only threatens to make it darker, because guilt. Vicious cycle this is.
Why, Lord? I shouldn’t be here any longer. I’m not meant to stay here. Why won’t you answer {what I want} & change things?
As I curled up & sobbed the other day, feeling woeful and despondent, I heard Him answer.
I did NOT like His answer. Not one bit.
I heard Him say, “So, you’re done doing things my way now?”
What in the world God? My tired heart wants to cry more. I’ve spent so many years & given up so much of myself. I’ve trusted you unwaveringly. At least, pretty much, right? I’ve cried out in the midst of agony believing you were still good. You weren’t going to give up on bringing your promises to fruition. Now that I want to give up, you ask me this?
Softly, without anger, without hesitation, he continues to let those words hang in perpetual reverberation.
“Are my ways not good enough for you anymore, Jolene?”
Properly reminded, I was faced with a choice. Either His ways are better, or not. Either I live like I believe this, or I don’t.
Believe.
My one word for the year 2015.
I thought it might be a bit challenging. I had no idea it was going to kick my you-know-what.
In fact, I planned to have my first beautiful post of 2015 all about my word & how I was going to live it out. Instead, I was given the {ahem} opportunity to be tested in it & learn my need to a greater degree.
I was so focused on my worthlessness that I forgot His worthiness.
Friends, we do need to believe in His goodness, His greatness & His ways over our own. In order to live like we truly believe we need our faith to grow. And faith? It grows according to the Word. We need truth, His truth.
One of my grandest passions is to encourage others to live out their calling, by and for the One who calls them. This requires living like I believe. This requires my faith to increase.
Do you need your faith to grow as well? Pray with me.
Lord – You tell us in your word that faith comes by hearing & hearing by the Word of God. Give us eyes to see & ears to hear you & your truths over the lies of the enemy. May we equip our hearts by storing up your Word & may the Spirit bring your truths to mind when lies threaten to cover them up.
Your ways are more than good enough. We want to do things your way & see your glory shine through them.
We believe. Help us in our unbelief.
with love, Jolene
Sigh and a big fat AMEN.
Beautifully written, and a stunning testimony of faith.
I can relate, a bit. My whole life was turned upside down and inside out, with illness and the end of my career. I went from respected academic to a throwaway sick dude (“Why don’t you just, like, let go and DIE?” This from someone close.)
But you know, I’m going to stand for good even if there’s nothing good left. I’m going to fight this situation down to hell if I have to, and win it back. If I die trying, I will leave such a loud legacy of the fight that the demons of hell will recoil in terror, and God and His angels will bow their heads and step aside as I step onto the streets of gold.
You have to draw the line somewhere, and even when God seems absent, I’m not going to abandon His cause.
Maybe He got tired, maybe He got scared. Well, He can stand behind me, because the safest place on Earth or in Heaven is behind a Texan who never learned how to quit.
Thank you for sharing Andrew. I’m so sorry this is happening for you. Sometimes, when we need others most they seem the least available. Honestly, I believe God’s allowed it in my life so I would see my need for Him even more. Part of my woundedness, which keeps me from boldness in Christ, comes from putting too much of my need in others & not enough need on Him. He reminds me often. It’s painful, but always a blessing in the end.
Texan’s are tough. 🙂 God is tougher. His might & His power are there even when we don’t feel it & we must remind ourselves of His truths. Those truths penetrate our hearts & make us stronger & better equipped to be used in the ways He plans for us.
Honestly, God has recently revealed to me that I was defending Him rather than seeing myself as protected by Him. With all the wrestling I do for His purposes, He’s showing me that I only fight because He leads the way.
I pray that God shows His sure presence in a special way today. May He continue to strengthen you & may He bring others along side you to walk through this with you.
I can relate in so many ways. I’ve been knocked to the wayside and am slowly finding my way, and my words again. Love you!
Journeying with you sweet friend. Love you too. 🙂
Oh friend. Your words…they do encourage. Even in our pain, the lessons we are learning, they give faith eyes…glasses to see life at the helm of grace, to those who are looking with us. Praying for you, with you. You are loved.Please remember, you are amazing and it is ok to rest.♡
I do love you Dawn. So thankful for you. I really appreciate your encouragement too. 🙂
Jolene – this post took my breath away as I could have written it myself. “Believe” is the word God brought to me the very beginning of December & He made it clear this was to be my one word for 2015. I did not like it. As a matter of fact, I gave Him a few weeks to change His mind. He didn’t 🙂 and so “Believe” is my focus as well >>> “Do not be afraid, just believe ….” (Luke 8:50). We are either going to believe His Word or we’re not. No middle ground. I want to believe. I want my first response to be – “He said it, I believe it, amen!”
Oh Joanne – it’s good to know we can join each other in prayer to say “Yes, Lord. I will believe!” Saying Amen with you.
Jolene, my word last year was FAITH, so I can relate to BELIEVE. Thanks for your transparency in sharing your journey with God. We all understand how it feels to get thrown for a loop in our lives of faith. May God’s hand steady you as you continue forward with Him.
Thank you Betsy. I didn’t have a specific word for last year but throughout the year faith is what became the core of my year. I appreciate your thoughts & prayers.
I can relate to your situation Jolene. Praying you can continue to stay in His word and trust in His beautiful promises. Blessings!
Thank you Nicki.
Oh, Jolene, how I fall victim to the enemy and then blame God. Your beautiful prayer I felt in my heart.
May He uphold us and may we wait and watch for Him in all we are and do.
My word is “expectant” as I am wanting to expect Him to be at every corner, at every bend in the road.
Caring through Christ, ~ linda
Amen Linda! Thank you so much.
What a penetrating question. Isn’t it like us to want to post about our plans and for God to cut to the chase and show us our need. The good part of that is the front row seat we have to watch how God meets our need, for He always provides. Prayers of strengthened faith for me and for you. How I have missed your heart words in this busy season of many extra responsibilities. Thinking of you today!
Oh yes Ginger! Thank you for praying with me. I am praying for both us now.
“you wonder if life will ever be good again.” That resonates strongly. I’ve been wondering that a lot these last two weeks. I happened to read your response to Andrew where you said, “Sometimes, when we need others most they seem the least available.” That has been true in every major event in my life. I have learned that the only true source of comfort, of truth, and of understanding is Jesus. It’s still hard, and I fight it every time, but in the end I always look back and see the blessing and know that my faith has increased. Built up, for the next time. It’s easy to believe that God exists, but to trust that He is working for our good, in the face of circumstances that scream the opposite – that’s hard. It takes a great deal of faith to believe that He is Who He says He is. As you say, we do need to believe in His goodness. A hearty Amen to your prayer, Jolene. I’m blessed to be on this journey with you. Blessings.
I am so with you June. So glad we can journey together & remind each other & ourselves that He truly is good no matter what.
loved reading this in the raw… People need to relate to someone who understands what they may or may not be going through. Nice writing. Look forward to more.
I really appreciate your feedback Brenda. It’s always a bit scary putting it out there but I feel it’s important to recognize real struggles & invite our big God into them. I’ve been working on a new tagline & your comment helped confirm what I’ve been considering. Thank you!
I love your beautiful post Jolene! You opened my eyes to Galatians 5:7. Thank you for that.
Blessings,
Laura
Thank you for sharing Laura. That verse stood out loud & clear while I’ve been stuck in Galatians. I think it’s going to stick with me often!
Jolene,
Thank you for this. I once studied the difference between the words “belief” and “faith” as they are often confused or used in the same way but mean different things. A belief is an opinion or judgment to which a person is FULLY persuaded. Faith is belief added onto with action. Because we are GROWING in Christ our belief can change and strengthen as we gain more knowledge of our God. As our belief grows–as we know God more–Our faith will grow as a direct result.
This beautiful place you write is faith. Your believing and speaking and GROWING in such a vulnerable way shines light for Him and blesses my walk. Some days my faith is as small as a mustard seed, but He says it can move mountains.
Here is one of my favorite songs by Audrey Assad.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OjwjxxpvE0Y
Blessings to you friend.
Much love.
I think I attached the wrong song! Here is the one. 😉 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=miNIRE2rju0
Oh I love this all Monica! Thank you. Another friend recommended this same singer just last night. I’ve never heard of her before. Funny how God does that, huh? So glad to journey with you friend. You are a light for Him in the midst of your own painful places.
Jolene-Your heart is so honest and I love your words so much! Life is not easy and a life walking with God is even less than easy. The minute we have something figured out is the minute that we are knocked flat. Your word “believe” is one that will grow you so much this year and I will be praying for you and with you as you take those hesitant steps each day. I have also felt challenged and know that only God’s strength will see me through. Love you girl!
Oh Mary – you are so right. The minute we think we have it figured out, we learn we need Him so much more! Here’s to bravely, even if tentatively, stepping forward one step at a time. Love you too!
I love the way He works through a word. And it only takes one to experience total transformation. Let Him WRECK YOU girl. It’s all good. Love you Jolene.
Ahhhhh Lisha – one big wrecking ball of grace. 😉 Getting wrecked more & more. Love you too beautiful.
I’ve had that “so, you’re done doing things your way” moment too.
Actually I had a few of them, since I’m a quite stubborn person and wanted to show that I will be able to make things work. Even if He didn’t want to or didn’t even care to try, or just didn’t feel like it.
Of course, it just made my life a really huge mess. And it’s still taking time for me to heal from it.
But I have finally learnt, to trust, even when I don’t trust.
Oh girl. This quote from you:
I was so focused on my worthlessness that I forgot His worthiness.
Thank you. Beautiful.
Thank you, friend. 🙂
“I was so focused on my worthlessness that I forgot His worthiness.”Oh, yes – walked that path many a time. We get so seated in those dark places we forget there is light awaiting us. Much like you, I feel that darkness deep and wide and often forget to run to the light. But it’s there and it brings such hope and peace – it breaks through the shadows when we get out of the way. Thank you for sharing your heart with such honesty and transparency. Blessings to you. Just stopping by from #tellhisstory.
Oh yes Tiffany, the things that happen when we get out of the way. Something to be reminded of often.