{This story picks up where this post left off; I Said No, He said No Problem.}

As soon as he fell asleep, I snuck out of the room. Somehow, I had to get me and my boy home. The tears would have to wait. So would the mental processing of what just happened.

Before me was a world that didn’t make sense. Emotions tangled deeply as survival mode kicked in.

I wrestled cognitively. Mostly, I hit mental walls but echoing in the hallways was this – I said no.

Right?

The Silent Screams of Date Rape

photos courtesy of Heather Krause on Flickr

 

Yes, I said no. And no again. And many varied expressions of the same.

I began to question myself. Wondering if I’d done the wrong thing, because I didn’t get all yelling and mean like my heart felt. Knowing I’d done the too-kind thing, but unsure how to sort through two opposing emotions.

I did say no and he didn’t respect my wishes. No amount of him replying, “no problem,” meant a hill of beans.

Desperate pleading.

Why, dear God. Why? Why me?

What if I’m pregnant? Please, PLEASE, don’t let me be pregnant! Not that.

How could you do this? How could you allow it?

UGH! I want to scream!

But I didn’t. I don’t remember crying that night.

I do remember days of weeping loud tears into my pillow when abandoned & rejected by the father of my first son. But when taken advantage of and becoming pregnant with my second son, the screams resounded silently inside a body that didn’t know what else to do or who to turn to.

Who would listen to me scream?

This closing in on oneself without even realizing it’s happening, I knew it well. Life around me became distant and I was pretty sure I was walking in a body suit with fragments of me inside.

The next morning I went to WalMart, praying that some feminine cleaning kit would wash the stain of violation away. Hoping against hope that there was no way I’d get pregnant.

A few days later the test strip showed positive. Despite incessant prayers.

Why, oh dear God, why?

God was allowing another child into this world. Through me. By that guy. I felt sick & cloaked in darkness.

The tears came now, still muffled by the straight-jacket of survival. I still had a son to raise, debts to pay and a life to live, even if through a shell.

Two children. Two different dads.

I don’t understand, God. I was going to wait until I got married to have sex. It was going to be with the man who would love and care for me forever. The one who would never leave.

Not so. Daddy one didn’t stay. Daddy two better stay away.

Somehow my parents would need to know what happened. I couldn’t face them with the news directly, even over the phone hundreds of miles away, so I told my sister instead. Later, mom and dad talked with care through their anger over the deeds of an unknown perpetrator.

I told a friend, a professing Christian friend from church, what had happened and the circumstances I was in. He said, “I’d understand if you had an abortion.” Surprised, I simply responded, “I wouldn’t.”

I’d seen babies in trash cans. My stomach churned; I just couldn’t.

No matter how much I didn’t want to be pregnant. No matter how awful it felt to think of raising a child by this man, a baby’s life is not mine to take.

Determining who lives & who dies? I think I’ll just leave that up to God.

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I sought someone who might understand so I told the woman who directed children care within a Christian organization. Surely, she would show compassion for me and the growing life inside. Wouldn’t she?

No.

She said the same thing. She’d understand if I had an abortion. Because she’d had one.

Dismayed, I sat silent.

Inside I grew angry. My convictions weren’t supported. Loneliness set in deeper and unhealthy thought patterns dug grooves in my mind, “If it is to be, it’s up to me.”

I didn’t want support in killing a baby. I wanted love & care for me and what I was going through.

Dear God, I want to scream. 

Wasn’t there someone, some follower of Christ, who would love me and care for my heart?

Someone?

Coming next week, the conclusion to my story of date rape, pregnancy &  finding hope in Christ.

Are you the one holding in the pain?
Wondering who will love you? Who will care for your heart?
I invite you to join me as the story continues.

{If you haven’t read the other parts to this story you may be interested in the following posts.}

Share Your Story Linkup – #choosehope #lifematters

Abortion Isn’t Neat

The What Ifs About Life & Abortion

Hope for the Woman Who Believes Abortion is Her Only Choice

I Said No, He Said No Problem – A Story of Date Rape {Part 1}

Whispers of Faith After Date Rape {Part 3}

Coming in October – 31 Days to Believe
because what we believe impacts how we live

31 Days to Believe on joleneunderwood.com

October 2015 – How our beliefs about God & ourselves impact our lives.