I might be hiding for awhile.
In an attempt to fix what I thought needed fixing, I managed to mess the whole thing up. Or I thought I did. Ever done that?
Let's just say, the great hair mishap of 2017 isn't as bad as the one of 1995 or even 2005. I'm not platinum blonde with my hair shaved over my ears as a result of being a hair model. I'm not jet black either, the disastrous result of thinking Snow White would look good on me. This time, I'm just a little over exposed on my head.
Perhaps I should be grateful it's not worse. But, honestly, I hate being slowed down by things that cost more money and more time. I don't like redoing. I don't want to fix things I've already fixed. Or, tried to. Especially, when I could have just left it alone. This process grates at me. I rushed into a decision yesterday.
Can I go back in time?
I'm facing all the feels for messing it up before important upcoming photo opportunities. This incident brings worry to the forefront of my mind. Something else happens too. I'm more aware of my tendency to check-out, find quick relief, and turn to the fastest solution possible so I don't have to sit with discomfort.
Our tendency to rush into quick-fixes causes quickly lost benefits. What we think we want sometimes brings more destruction.
When we give room to pause, we let our emotions catch up with our thoughts. With calmer emotions come the inclination to make wiser decisions.
It's painfully clear, this is just the thing I've been stewing about lately. About how we resist the discomfort of change. How we're afraid of the worst outcome. How we resist the work of the Holy Spirit because we're afraid of being or seeing something different, and it might be worse. Probably isn't, but...
We tend to not trust the end result. What's known is more comfortable and less scary.
I remind myself. Don't live stuck with what's known; risk what's unknown with a God who knows.
If we take a risk, if we let the Holy Spirit work, our hearts undergo numerous changes. Maybe it's hard to stick with. Maybe we want to shove it aside. Pretend the pain doesn't exist. Find comfort elsewhere.
Ever "just" wanted to be fixed already, for the love?! Yeah, it takes time, resources, and a process that isn't always so fun.
Sometimes, I think God allows us to make a mess for ourselves in order to remember how much we need Him. Minute by minute. Moment by moment. Not just in the crises, but for our very breath.
A messed up hair color isn't all that tragic, but it felt that way initially. What I did to mess things up wasn't as bad as I originally thought either.
A messed up heart fighting against the God who created us and loves us with ever so much patience, well that's a whole other beast.
Shoving away the painful process only causes more pain in the end. Stepping into it with a mustard seed of faith (which is all we might have at the moment), and believing God is still good and going to be good, brings beauty. The likes of which we'd never know otherwise.
I might mess up again before I figure out how to get things the way I want. One more step could make it worse or make it beautiful. Do I dare give it a go?
I might mess up in steps of transformation too. As I lean in with one more step towards God, it's an uncertainty that scares me. I want my way.
My brain is tired and I don't want to think about it. I'm pretty sure what I'll do next with my hair. I'll sleep on it. I'll let any new ideas rest for a bit.
When it comes to letting God change my heart, I pray patience rises and quick-fixes are quickly dismissed.
What feels like tragic failure, may not be such a great tragedy after all.