“Seriously God? You want me to…?”

Oh the times I have said this.

The Early Pregnancies

Here I was, living life the best way I could. Trying so hard to be a good girl; trying to resist those who wanted me to do the bad things. Then, with buckled knees I chose to disregard all that standing strong stuff and make laissez-faire decisions instead.

Throwing caution to the wind, I start making more and more decisions that opposed the cry of my heart. Choosing to have sex before marriage was the hardest one to allow. Deep in my heart I was not OK with it, but I didn’t care much anymore. I’d already lost my virginity to the boy who took me from tease to terrified in about 2 minutes. So why not my college love? We’ll get married. I’m sure of it.

We didn’t.

His feelings for me flipped like a switch. It reminded me of how quickly as I’d been date raped (the first time, and it happened in a few short minutes after beginning to kiss). Just as quickly as having my virginity taken from me from one man, I’d lost “love” from the man I wanted to be with.

A week after his decision to leave me, I found out I was pregnant.

seriously god

“Seriously God? After all the times I said no to other guys, after all that trying to do the good things when others don’t care & do all kinds of bad things? After all I’ve done to try and stand strong for you, your’re going to allow this?! Getting pregnant by a man I loved and then left alone?”

Five years later, I’d ask again, “You want me to handle this too?”

I had said no repeatedly to a man who thought it was no problem. What I said didn’t really matter to him. He said he’d honor me, but he did want he wanted anyway. I tried to leave but he followed me and I struggled to say no with enough force. I gave in to the pressure, doing all I knew to do at the time.

Still, I got pregnant again and this time from a man who made me ill to think of.

“Seriously God? I DID say no. How could you allow this? Now what am I supposed do?

 The Homemaking & Homeschooling

Years later, success surprised me as I found my place as a lead sales rep on the largest corporate account for one of the largest computer companies. Stress accumulated as it does in that world, but I loved it. I loved having a place among others and being looked to for leadership qualities. As it became time to consider moving into management or to the field, I was thrilled at the opportunities, and a little terrified.

A piece of my heart stayed at home. But my youngest son, well, he was a toddler. I wasn’t thrilled about staying with a toddler. Until God changed my heart and I longed to be home. Unfortunately, I needed to continue working when it was finally time for my husband and I to switch roles.

I was offered one of the first and few home positions for Dell Computer and I was allowed to do so part-time. God worked out the details so my husband could get a job as a temp, but still I felt overwhelmed.

“Seriously God? You want me to take care of these two, home school and work part time from home?”

My heart had softened to desire the coming home part, but not so much the dealing with fighting kids and messes part, or the combination which included the responsibility of employment too.

The Library

Phew. I stopped working full-time in sales, then part-time, and looked froward to full time homemaking and homeschooling. I figured, “I can focus on the kids and find joy in the day to day of home life. Maybe now we can have more fun.”

I didn’t figure what would happen next.

A vision came. A non-profit library formed. It began with a “chance meeting” which blossomed into a new partnership. And then it spiraled, the level of commitment and activity as well as the added stress and factors out of my control. So much for the not having that extra large responsibility on my shoulders, the kind I thought I was leaving behind when I left the corporate world.

“Seriously God? You want me to partner in this? I don’t know what I’m doing. I feel like Moses being called out of hiding and into leading.”

Maybe that’s why I knew I needed to do it. I couldn’t have come up with an idea like this on my own. I felt drastically ill-equipped.

The Ranch

Several years later the library closed. Our long season of membership at one church ended. Twenty-one years of parenting went by and I waited for a quieter life.

Finally, my oldest of five turned 21 and my youngest is 9. I’ve reached the stage beyond babies and toddlers! It’s time to enjoy something beyond butt wiping, wondering where that child is now when it’s too quiet and wishing they were sleeping when it’s too loud.

Ooops. Another vision. Another prompting. A huge, huge undertaking. And we moved, to take care of many, many more children.

I don’t like to be in crowded places. I don’t like loud noises. I don’t like chaos, messes and fighting.

“Seriously God? You want ME to do this? I am far from equipped. I am far from the right person. I’m sooooooo gonna’ need you!” 

And He says it again to my heart, “Yes, my child. You are.”

The Reply I Believe I Heard from God

  • You will be a single mom, and I will be with you.
  • You will be a single mom of two boys with two different dads, and I will be with you.
  • You will be a stay-at-home-mom and you will teach your children, and I will be with you.
  • You will be instrumental in growing this library and serving others, and I will be with you.
  • You will be a mother to many. You will be challenged beyond anything before. You will learn how much you need me, and I will be with you.

CULTIVATE: When has God allowed something in your life you couldn’t fathom? Are you able to see Him with you even in the hardest and darkest places?

with love, Jolene

This post is one of several written in the early years of healing post serving as foster parents. They include broken thinking, rambling thoughts, and a fight to survive as well as a desperate clinging to the hope only God can give. I pray God uses my story as an encouragement to those in the midst of the battle. You have God with you even now.
Since writing this post (in 2014), I’ve realized how much I’ve struggled to set healthy boundaries. There are times when God calls us to do extra hard things and times when take on extra hard things that God never desired for us. I’m still learning to tell the difference. As we lean in to His voice and trust His leading, we find we are safe with Him even if we get it wrong. It you’d like to learn more, stick with me for newer content on this blog.

Seriously God, When God Asks You To Endure Hard Things

Seriously God, When God Asks You To Endure Hard Things