I want to keep this post bottled up inside. I don’t really want to write it for all kinds of reasons.

I could tell you it’s wiser to keep it to myself, because over-sharing and all.

I could also tell you it’s safer to live without telling others about our faults. Or, let’s be honest, our sins. Because maybe you’ll judge and maybe I’ll be rejected. Even worse, maybe you’ll use it against me.

Somewhere deeper in my heart, I know it’s better to not keep these kinds of things bottled up though. There’s a healthy place somewhere between over-sharing and keeping it all to ourselves. While most of the deeper things are meant for only a few close (and safe) individuals, there’s also room online to be honest about the struggles and inadequacies which we all have.

So, today I’m coming clean.

I’ve been heavily distracted. Well, more than distracted really. OK, deep breaths.

This is more like it.

I’ve been obsessed, addicted, judgmental, self-righteous, self-focused, self-reliant, fearful, doubtful, and easily turned away from God and all His goodness. Sure, there’s probably more, but I’m thinking that’s enough to deal with for now.

Two things come to mind when I say these words.

One, how quick it would be to negate this confession and give me props instead. I’m not asking for that, nor do I want it, just so you know.

Two, how easy it would be to let these thoughts turn into a spiral of condemnation which turn into an identity of being rather than the simple reality of what they are, sinful acts of doing. The enemy’s ploy is to turn our sins into our identity and I’m on to him. There’s a distinction between the two and it’s time we keep that clear.

To fight the enemy and ward off those nasty talons which like to claw in deep and tear our souls apart, we need truth, honesty, and the courage to face reality.

Thankfully, God gives us what we need to rise up in truth. We act based on what he gives.

I want to rise up in the truth of being a sinner while also rising courageous as a victor because God gave us this victory on the cross. It’s quite the tension you see, and it requires a whole lot of reliance on the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Certainly, less of me.

I’ve been consumed with trying to do all the things. Again. This includes the things which aren’t my season to do and the things which God is trying to get my thick-head to understand are not for me to manage, but for Him.

I’ve been suffocating under the weight of figuring things out for myself. Again. Then I’m perplexed and disillusioned when it doesn’t work out the way I want it to.

I’ve also let my heart get strangled by looking at what someone else is doing rather than what I should be doing. As a result, I put on a pity party and become completely ineffective for the things which I know, that I know, that I know I must do.

Finally, I’ve been more concerned about what others say, think, and do rather than what the Spirit is saying, telling me to think, and leading me to do.

In the background of all the noise, these words whisper loud and clear, “I must be about my Father’s business.” Like the young Jesus said to his parents when they sought him out. He was in the temple, listening and asking questions.

Sometimes I need to listen more. Ask more questions.

I get caught up in all the things which I think ought to happen and forget about the things God leads to happen. Or, I simply dismiss them and run head-long and head-strong instead.

What I really want, is to simply be about my Father’s business.

I’m tired y’all. I’m sick and tired of worrying about what someone else is doing and how it works for them, but not for me. I’m sick of focusing on myself and all the ways I do things right or wrong.

Are you too?

Where we come alive is the same place where we are emboldened to live with more passion. It lies right in the sweet spot of living for and with Jesus. It happens when our hearts fill up with His words through the study of scripture, through prayer, and through worship.

When I neglect it, my heart feels empty.

Anytime I focus more on what I think I should be doing, or what I think others think I should be doing, I become crippled. Fear seizes me and I just want to tune out.

Know what I mean? Have you been there too? Maybe, just maybe, today’s the day for something different. Are you ready to bring sin out of hiding and let God’s light of healing come over you too?

For some reason, I doubt I’m the only one who struggles with the battle of flesh. I doubt I’m the only one who needs to rise up in truth and fight with the power of the Holy Spirit.

Today’s a new day. It’s a day for new mercies and choosing to set our hope in Him.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The LORD is my portion,” says my soul “therefore, I will hope in Him.” The LORD is good to those who wait for Him, to the soul who seeks Him. ~ Lamentations 3:22-25

Whether I’m alone in this or not, I’m calling it out and calling on Jesus.

I’m a self-obsessed woman in need of the self-sacrificing Savior.

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