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Sunday.

A day filled with praise, worship, fellowship and preaching.

An amazing time where the heart can be filled with the joy of the Lord.

Also a day that can start off, or end, pretty darn miserable as the enemy seeks to steal joy and peace and the pursuit of fellowship with our Father.

Perhaps the fussy kids, clothes that don’t fit, messes around you, or yet another car problem¬†will cause you to not go¬†to church. Or, perhaps, they will create an air of hypocrisy in and around you as you step out the door in anger and frustration.

You know where your heart should be focused. You want the joy and the smiles, but now you are angry and staying home seems like a much better plan.

My Sunday started off great. I got to meet new visitors and visit with many people. I was blessed to give and receive numerous hugs.  Worship was amazing (as it usually is). The sermon was right on (as it usually is) and I was overflowing in all the feel good feelings.

I even posted on Facebook about hope.

Hope is not about what we wish for or wishful thinking.
Hope, in Christ, is supernaturally amazing in so many ways.

May you be filled with the Hope of Christ. The Hope you have through the gift of His son.
a hope that enters into the inner place behind the curtain”- Hebrews 6:13-20 (v19)

I was feeling great!

But, my heart, my attitude, my actions, and my hope were all about to be tested. Again

It really was a minor incident. Yet somehow, it opened up deep emotions of pain, fear, and anxiety which came to the surface like a volcano erupting.

I yelled, I cried, I pouted, and I said a lot of things I shouldn’t have.

I was ready to give up homeschooling, homemaking of all kind and everything I passionately pursue. Forget it. All those happy homemakers can have it! I’m done!¬† It was far from a right attitude and it caused my precious children to feel sad, and my husband to wonder what to do with me.

I said things I shouldn’t have,¬†in front of my children.¬†I wanted to give up on all I’d worked on for so many years.

Then it came. The most heart wrenching words ever came out of my child’s mouth as she hugged me.

“You have a job mom. Your job is to love us and care for us.”

Heart officially pierced.¬† Crushed to pieces…and melted…reshaped…at the same time.

I was failing miserably and my child was now encouraging me!  Oh sweet, sweet children. I am so incredibly sorry. My heart breaks for the hurt I caused.

Then, I felt even worse because I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do. I knew it went against everything¬†I desired and longed for in my heart.

Messy Hope - A Mom's Confession

One minute I was rejoicing in the Zeal of the Lord. In the next, I was ruining what should have been a great evening with our children. I failed in every way of my great desire to see Peace, Joy, and Love reign this year by creating family memories for The Christmas Collective.

Now is when Satan wants to let the spiral propel to even more devastating ends by sulking in despair over my failure. It’s more important than ever to stop the enemy in his tracks.

Instead, I cry and I seek forgiveness.  I ask the Father to remind me of the Hope I know of.

I ask a friend to pray for and with me.

Hope has become messy and I long to see it clearly again. 

He reminds me that His mercies are new every morning, and I am so, so, so thankful. He asks me to share this failure, so others can know they are not alone. He reminds me that His love is steadfast and never ceases.

I will choose to hope in Him, no matter what.

But this I call to mind,And therefore I have hope.

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
“The is LORD is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him”

The LORD is good to those who wait for him, to the soul who seeks him.” – Lamentations 3:21-25

As I go through my morning devotional routine, I see the verse of the day for my Bible app.

“Let what you heard from the beginning abide in you.
If what you heard from the beginning abides in you, then you too will abide in the Son and in the Father.
And this is the promise that he made to us – eternal life.”-1 John 2:24-25¬†

I am reminded of that which abides in me as a believer and follower of Christ. It is not lost, it is still there.

I am reminded of His promises.  I am reminded of eternal life Рa life which is to come, where Joy reigns.

I am reminded of the Hope I have as I enter the inner places and worship the great High Priest.

So today I fight against the enemies continued attempts to get and keep  me down because of  failure, anxiety, guilt or condemnation.

Today I cry at the feet of my Lord and let His words cover me and renew my mind and my heart. Today I ask for forgiveness (again) and accept His mercies to start anew.

Today, my children and spouse learn, again, that mom is not perfect and she too needs the Savior, desperately and daily.

Today РI am reminded that I am definitely not-so-perfect, but He still is.

This post is one of several written in the early years of healing post serving as foster parents. (when the blog was called His Not So Perfect Housewife) These posts include broken thinking, rambling thoughts, and a fight to survive as well as a desperate clinging to the hope only God can give. I pray God uses my story as an encouragement to those in the midst of the battle. You have God with you even now.

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