Thousands of woman and I tuned in online to watch the (in) Real Life conference (put on by (in)Courage). On screen, woman after woman shared her story. Her trials, her fears, her wounds. They shared about their friendships & the bonds they have made in various communities.
In real life, I battled the tension of personal loneliness and healing from trauma while longing to love on others who knew pain too.
After During this season of pain, loss, healing and focus on my own wounds God, I started tweeting encouraging thoughts. My desire to pray for hurting & lonely women unquenched, yet the pain inside in desperate need of the same for me.
I kept thinking & feeling…
- “Oh, but what about the one(s) who don’t have anyone to share their story with?”
- “What about the ones who are so hurt they can barely stand to watch all these beautiful stories?”
- “What about the woman who just had the hardest news of her life & feels she is completely alone?”
My heart knows. My heart knows great trials of many different kinds. It knows the pain of loneliness, even when you really aren’t alone & and the times when you are more alone than ever before.
A year ago I would sit in front of the computer, on occasion, and stare into the world of others. Like viewing far off, alternative reality, I wondered,
Why? Why am I here serving & pouring out my life only to be used to the point of collapse, but I can’t collapse? I have to keep going. Why does it seem everyone else who goes out in the mission field gets accolades from others about the great work they are doing, when I’m barely surviving, we are alone & now this…
After Spring Break last year we knew it was time to leave the ranch. We had given up so much & moved quickly to serve, without fanfare. We took in child after child to foster, without knowing what we were doing. We dealt with lice, language barriers, psychological issues, up to 12 children at one time, lack of resources & help, loads of paperwork, loneliness & financial strain. As well as physical, emotional, psychological & spiritual attacks and challenges that never ever seem to let up.
Watching others blog and enjoy life stirred deep longing. But I couldn’t even think a straight though or sit long enough to do what I wanted to do.
I looked at others who lived a dream of serving & did so with happiness. My heart longed for this too. I looked at others who seemed to live normal lives, and my life felt so far removed from normal, even though I was still in TX.
I wondered if our marriage would make it, if our family could survive the stress. I wondered where my friends were. I wanted texts, but most of the time every one thought I was too busy to receive texts. Being over an hour away from most of our friends, and in the country, added to the feeling of loneliness.
I was desperate for community, friendship and a break.
For two more months we would face three unfounded allegations of abuse. We would continue to manage children who cursed repeatedly, threw things & broke things. Who ran away, defied & acted out in sexual ways. Kids getting suspended from school, illnesses & cars breaking down. We would sense the fact that we were no longer wanted where we were and that what we were doing for the kids was not good, not enough, not the way it was desired to be done.
We were hurt by others. We were lonely. We were challenged with multiple issues.
Our marriage was shaky, and we were like ships passing in the night to prep our home to return to when school ended, when we could come back home. Maybe we could get some normal someday soon? Community?
Eleven of us would move the last day of school. One would go home the same day. Inspectors would visit our home to license it for a different use, while we cleared out. Agency people were in and out of our home frequently.
I’ve never been more stressed or alone than in this season.
Anyway, there is even more than that but I think I’ve rambled enough to give you an idea that it was – A LOT.
So, this weekend I watched videos of community, stories, trials and redemption.
My heart wondered if there were women who thought, “Well, that’s great for them, but I need God to show up for me. I need community. I need friends. I need someone to care about me and my story.”
My guess is, those women are out there. I have felt it. Then I have felt ashamed to feel so needy.
So dear women, who are not yet my friends but might be, I know what it feels like to be alone. I know what it feels like to need God desperately for long periods of time.
I don’t have all the answers & I can’t even be there for all the times others want me to be.
But this I do know, it is by God’s strength and grace I am here today. I am here despite possible PTSD, depression, etc. after this last season.
I know that many, many good things came out of our season. I know we said yes when we should, even though our family paid such a price it causes others to wonder if we should have said yes.
More importantly, I know this.
God is a sovereign, just, mighty, gracious, loving God who wants to be our all-in-all for all-the-things. He will not take second place.
His words, His truths, His promises have had to be repeated to me time and time again to keep me going. His Spirit refreshed me enough to keep me going & to not give up completely.
Dear lonely-hearted woman, friend, I urge you, do not lose touch with the ONE who never leaves you. Even when you feel you don’t have the strength to ask Him for help, let alone anyone else, pray your guttural prayer of need. The spirit WILL intercede & Jesus will make your request known.
You are not alone. Your story is not done yet. neither is mine. 🙂
If you’d like someone to pray with you or for you, I would love to stand with you in prayer. May He guide you & lead you to His refreshing waters for strength in His Spirit.
May He be your source of strength to the uttermost. He is stronger than me and you. And He is far stronger & greater than our circumstances. Let us lift our eyes to our King.
Yes, you and your family gave a huge sacrifice. God will bless you for it when the world will not. I applaud you for trying. Fostering is a tough tough job. Never has been easy, but I think it is worse now than ever because of the permissiveness and false freedoms in our society. Kids come from homes that are full of strife, and feel an entitlement to do what they want or act on their impulses because that is all they know. Prayers going up for this new season of healing as you and your husband regroup and reconnect.
Thank you so much for your words & connecting Barbie! I too look forward to seeing your journey continue to unfold. I love seeing how God works all things for His glory. Blessed to have you stop by. 🙂
Thank you so much Sauna! I appreciate you stopping by and especially your prayers. God continues to work His healing & rebuilding. It is a time of service I certainly don’t regret & I look forward to seeing more of how God uses it.
We definitely saw kids who felt entitled & had no discipline whatsoever from neglect. It was amazing to watch them heal & to mature as more responsible individuals. Standing in the gap on spiritual fronts as well as parental fronts was more of a challenge than I’d anticipated but I’m truly thankful we were able to be used for His purposes in all of it.
Blessings to you!
Thank you for sharing your story! I can only imagine all that you have been through! You were doing what you felt led to do and God will reward you for that! You touched each of the kids and will continue to touch others with your story and your experiences! I’m blessed to have met you and hope to know you better! I will stand with you in prayer!
I can’t even tell you how much I appreciate your words and how necessary they are. It is so tempting to try to find our security, our validation in others and yet, Jesus MUST be all that we need. He must be our strength and our song. Thank you for sharing your story and the reminder to find our rest in Him.
May He continue to sustain you in this time and may your feet land in a spacious place (Ps. 18:19)!
Thank you for sharing your story Jolene. Wow, what an amazing season of pouring out you have been in. I pray that he comes and fills you to overflowing – with his love and grace – and also with that of others. So good to connect with you and your story through incourage. Blessings!
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. And especially, thank you for standing with us in prayer. 🙂
I’m so glad Becky! Thank you for the scripture reminder. I’m so thankful He is there when others aren’t, and I’m thankful that he uses others to bless us when they can!
Thank you for your words & your prayers Jessica. Likewise thankful to connect via (in)courage!
Thank you for sharing your story. I can relate to your feelings of loneliness and wanting community. Praying for you that He will sustain you in this time & you will feel His presence.
What beautiful encouragement!
Thank you so much for opening up your heart and sharing it with us Jolene! I found your blog through Coffee For Your Heart, and am so thankful I stopped by. Keep on encouraging! 🙂 God bless!
Thank you Deb. May you be blessed in your journey. Thank you for your prayers & i stand with you in prayer also, right now.
Thank you Crystal. 🙂
You have quite a story! Thank you for sharing so vulnerably here. I’m sorry your time of service was such a complicated season. You stepped into a ministry that is hard and messy — loving kids who have never experienced much love. I commend you & your family for that. Hopeful that you are finding a season of rest after that experience and that you & your husband have found each other again. I’m sure it took a toll. You are not alone either, even though it may have felt that way at times. Encouraged by your bravery here!
Christy @ A Heartening Life
http://www.ahearteninglife.com
I somehow missed your reply, guess that’s a sign I follow or comment too much. Thank you for your response. My family is going through a bit of a trial of our own. Your comment above echoes exactly what I am experiencing with our daughters. Husband says we have planted seeds and now it is up to them and the Lord. I still am battling a multitude of mixed emotions
Every time I read an article or blog about parental I feel guilty about their current choices to not attend church and wonder where I went wrong.
Oh Dear Shauna! I know those whispers of guilt in parenting. But, anything that brings condemnation is from the enemy. It is conviction from the Holy Spirit which brings healing & restoration through Christ. I am praying that the Holy Spirit helps to discern the whispers that need to be shut down!
GOD created these children. HE put them into your care knowing you fully and them fully. Trust the vision that HE has for them beyond yours! I have to remind myself of this often too. The world may look at some of my children and think less of me because of their choices.
My concern is for their hearts regardless & as a mother – pray, pray, pray! Your prayers & love are effective. May the Lord minister to your heart comfort and clarity to love them as a child of God before anything else. They are under His watchful eye. Blessings!
You have no idea how refreshing your words are. So weary of feeling condemned! Thank you…I am thankful that the Lord has helped me connect online with other Christians. We are all broken, and all forgiven. So thankful for His grace. Have a blessed day!