This post is long overdue. I knew I needed to write it weeks ago, but maybe my stubborn heart just couldn’t go there yet. I don’t know. But, I’m writing it now because I must. I’m choosing to surrender.
There’s this thing online which bloggers do, it’s about picking a word for the year. This one word becomes a filter through which events and feelings are experienced throughout the year.
Last year, my word was “believe” and truly, this word became a powerful filter for the way my heart was challenged. I wrote about believe for 31 days while doubts rang unresolved. I had feared what it would mean to truly hold onto this concept at the level I knew God was asking me to embrace it. But I came to love the word. I came to delight in new levels of belief because freedom came with acceptance and activation.
God gave me this year’s word two months ago and it caused immediate turmoil.
“Ugh, God. No! Not this word!” I immediately replied in full rebellion of precisely what the word implied.
Anxiety crept in and fear loomed. How could one word invoke such emotion? I didn’t know, so once I’d taken a few moments to settle down, I asked God.
“Why the word surrender? What is it about this word which creates panic and causes my eyes to tear up quickly?”
His response was kind, gentle and loving.
“Darling child, you wrestle unnecessarily. Still your heart. I’m going to show you what surrender means.”
And then I knew. I’d misunderstood this word most of my life and my broken understanding mixed with other wrong beliefs which led me into unsafe situations. I’ve been victimized multiple times and walked away feeling it was my fault. To me, surrender meant slavery to man and succumbing to that which others said I should do or not do. It meant a loss of value for who I was and immediate captivity to what I should be and how I should do it.
Date rapes. Sexual harassment. Bullying. Manipulations. Over the years, fear grew exponentially.
It’s time to learn a truer meaning of surrender. One which lines up more accurately with the God who created me, died for me, and loves me through all the junk. Even if, and when, I mess up again.
He’s been taking me through an inner healing journey; one where He is very present and His love is palpable. In this process, God has shown me more of himself, and the more he shows me, the more I realize how little I know. But I love it all. He’s so beautiful. His ways are so unfathomable and even when they seem rather contrary and horrible, to me, they are still good. Very good. Because He is the source of all goodness.
Surrender is a good word. Already He’s showing me great beauty as I lean in. He teaching me new meanings. With each one, he leads me into new levels of freedom and joy.
Oh, to surrender to the word surrender and see what He might do.
Surrender is not laying yourself down in ways which allow evil to triumph.
Surrender is laying your self-needs and rights down while trusting in the One who triumphed over evil.
Surrender is not giving in to defeat.
Surrender is choosing to cling to the One who defeats.
Surrender is not blindly trusting everyone in every situation.
Surrender is trusting God to deal with those who are blind about a situation. To teach us where we are blind too.
Surrender teaches us to trust Him over our situations.
Surrender is not accepting every scary situation as something which God must want you to go through.
Surrender is seeking God’s help & guidance for every situation which feels scary.
Surrender cares less about holding onto the ways which seem right to man and more about the ways which are right by God, for man.
Surrender is a resignation which finds one’s self cared for by the Creator in ways which we could never do alone.
Surrender trusts that His ways are better, His knowledge is greater and His power is more powerful. Surrender recognizes our dependence on a God whom we can depend on.
Healthy surrender is a form of bravery.
Wise surrender accepts circumstances out of your control and seeks guidance from the One who is beyond evil’s control.
True surrender looks into the face of fear and steps with courage and strength knowing God is near. True surrender recognizes things are scary and meets God safely there.
Surrender is willingly laying down your life for the one who gave His life for you.
I’m still a little nervous about where this word will take me, but this I know. He is safe. So I’m saying, “OK, Lord. Let’s go.”