The questions I asked myself out of curiosity became ones I needed to answer in reality.
What if I was raped & got pregnant? Would I still choose life as I believed I would?
Then I was. Raped and pregnant. Still, I wondered what if, because my experience wasn’t brutal or violent in the way some experience. I even hesitate to call it rape, because why didn’t I put up a fight? Why didn’t I act with more resolve? And what really is date rape?
Regardless, the reminder of an event which deeply bruised my heart grew inside me.
I said no. Repeatedly. But, I didn’t force the issue. I didn’t garner enough strength to just grab my sleeping son from upstairs and then go back down and walk out the door. He didn’t force me, but coercion resulted in the same unwanted sex. I didn’t want this. Especially not this way. Not by him.
My world spiraled downward. I was the unmarried “good girl” already a single mom. I had moved to TX after graduating from college and lived hundreds of miles away from family & friends. My debt had accumulated and I could barely make a dent in the mound of spent-too-much with my temporary sales job.
Alone. Scared. Worn down. Fighting defeat. I wrestled with negative self-talk.
How did I get here? How could this have happened? Why, oh why God did you allow a child to come out of this? If I’d just been stronger than everything would have been different.
It began in such a small way. He paid attention to me after a series of break-ups with the same guy. He had a nice car, a nice job and a pleasant way about him. And he took me out for a nice dinner when I’d been eating Ramen & american cheese for lunch every day. I liked the attention.
Then he invited me over to his place, a home shared with several other singles. I was concerned about keeping my son awake and he said, “no problem”.
We could just spend the night.
I was clear. I hate being blunt, but I was this night. I said, “I’m not having sex.” He said, “No problem.”
We made out, he got too friendly, I said no again. He said, “No problem.” He wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want.
Things progressed and I grew more uncomfortable. Fearful of standing up for myself and worried about making a stir, I just wanted to pretend it wasn’t happening and go to sleep. Everything would be better tomorrow.
Finally, I went upstairs and started to gather the strength I needed to pick up my sleeping son and say no for the umpteenth time, but with more resolve & force. Yet, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. He was nice. He kept saying he’d stop. He wouldn’t do anything more than I wanted.
I said no, and to him it was no problem.
Fear gripped me and it seemed to immobilize my limbs. I lost my virginity several years before in a similar way, gripped in the fear of standing up for myself and overwhelmed by the selfish actions of another. I’ve sat paralyzed and silent many times in situations where I knew I should have done something more. This time, I gave up trying in the end.
I just wanted it over with so I could go home and be left alone.
I was tired of saying no.
I grew tired of it not being a problem.
Story continues with The Silent Screams of Date Rape
DEAR READER:
If you, or someone you know, have been date raped & don’t know where to turn, may I pray for you?
You can let me know by responding in the comments below or sending me an email.
Dear one, you matter. My experience may not be yours, and that’s OK.
Your experience, whatever it looks like, matters.
There is hope in the One who created you. If you are pregnant, there is hope.
You do not have to go through this alone. Please know that my prayers are with you.
My heart cries with you for the tears you may shed.
FOR MORE: (this story continues in the posts below)
The Silent Screams of Date Rape – Part 2
Whispers of Faith After Date Rape – Part 3
Finding Hope After Date Rape – Part 4
Oh Jolene, I have tears of how I lost my virginity by date rape. I too said no. But his response was, “it’s too late”. Oh friend, your story, my story, our story, needs to be told. Thank you for sharing so bravely.
Yes, yes it does Barbie. There is hope and healing. I’m so sorry for you too.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. THIS story. I love the question you ask yourself-it wasn’t violent, so does it still fall under “rape”? How often do we belittle something we experience because it isn’t exactly like the expected experiences? I’m sure I would have wrestled with that same question. When men are violated or raped, I wonder if they ask themselves the same questions? I pray this gives a LOT of people hope, Jolene.
Thank you Nya. I am praying others do find hope through the story, and especially through the redemptive work of Christ.
I just want to reach through this screen and hug you. You wear brave well.
Oh thank you Sandra! I receive your virtual hug since that’s what I can get right now. 🙂 (((HUGS)))
I’ve survived 3 attempted rapes, probably because I’m stronger than I look. If I had not been lifting weights at the time, or if I were smaller, it could have turned out a lot differently. I have a lot of compassion for anyone with unplanned pregnancy, because I know they didn’t always have the option to say “no.”
Wow, Pam! I’m glad you were able to fight them off. Thank you for your compassion and your huge heart for others. You are a blessing.
Jolene, I’m amazed after reading your post on Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood today and now this how much we have in common. I am currently writing a book based on my testimony. I lived a life full of sexual sin for quite a while and I was also raped in a similar fashion and had a baby as a result. She is now 12 years old. In my case it happened at a Christian college and I was then expelled from school after they determined that it sounded consensual because I didn’t fight enough. I was rejected by the church, by family and friends. I’d love to stay in touch and talk with you sometime. Very encouraging to hear someone else describe rape in the same way it happened to me because that doubt likes to creep up….whether we have a right to claim rape…even though years after the event the feeling of dirtiness and disgust lingers when I think of that night. Even though it effects my relationship with my husband still today. But God is amazing and truly redeems us! He has done so much through my story and I know he still will and that’s exciting (and terrifying….but mostly exciting). I’m so thankful that he uses what was meant for evil for his glory instead. I am thankful that he continued to chase after me even when I wanted nothing to do with Christians or the church and brought me home. It’s beautiful how he works.
How did I miss your comment here Kate?! I’m so sorry I haven’t replied before. I’m more sorry for how the school handled your situation. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story with me and others. Feel free to email me via the link on the right side bar. Would love to stay in touch. Keep on fighting the distortions from the enemy, dear one. Blessings, Jolene