The questions I asked myself out of curiosity became ones I needed to answer in reality.

What if I was raped & got pregnant? Would I still choose life as I believed I would?

Then I was. Raped and pregnant. Still, I wondered what if, because my experience wasn’t brutal or violent in the way some experience. I even hesitate to call it rape, because why didn’t I put up a fight? Why didn’t I act with more resolve? And what really is date rape?

Regardless, the reminder of an event which deeply bruised my heart grew inside me.

I said no. Repeatedly. But, I didn’t force the issue. I didn’t garner enough strength to just grab my sleeping son from upstairs and then go back down and walk out the door. He didn’t force me, but coercion resulted in the same unwanted sex. I didn’t want this. Especially not this way. Not by him.

A Story of Date Rape

My world spiraled downward. I was the unmarried “good girl” already a single mom. I had moved to TX after graduating from college and lived hundreds of miles away from family & friends. My debt had accumulated and I could barely make a dent in the mound of spent-too-much with my temporary sales job.

Alone. Scared. Worn down. Fighting defeat. I wrestled with negative self-talk.

How did I get here? How could this have happened? Why, oh why God did you allow a child to come out of this? If I’d just been stronger than everything would have been different.

It began in such a small way. He paid attention to me after a series of break-ups with the same guy. He had a nice car, a nice job and a pleasant way about him. And he took me out for a nice dinner when I’d been eating Ramen & american cheese for lunch every day. I liked the attention.

Then he invited me over to his place, a home shared with several other singles. I was concerned about keeping my son awake and he said,  "no problem".

We could just spend the night.

I was clear. I hate being blunt, but I was this night. I said, "I'm not having sex." He said, "No problem."

We made out, he got too friendly, I said no again. He said, "No problem." He wouldn't do anything I didn't want.

Things progressed and I grew more uncomfortable. Fearful of standing up for myself and worried about making a stir, I just wanted to pretend it wasn't happening and go to sleep. Everything would be better tomorrow.

Finally, I went upstairs and started to gather the strength I needed to pick up my sleeping son and say no for the umpteenth time, but with more resolve & force. Yet, I didn't want to hurt his feelings. He was nice. He kept saying he'd stop. He wouldn't do anything more than I wanted.

I said no, and to him it was no problem.

Fear gripped me and it seemed to immobilize my limbs. I lost my virginity several years before in a similar way, gripped in the fear of standing up for myself and overwhelmed by the selfish actions of another. I've sat paralyzed and silent many times in situations where I knew I should have done something more. This time, I gave up trying in the end.

I just wanted it over with so I could go home and be left alone.

I was tired of saying no.

I grew tired of it not being a problem.

Are you facing hard circumstances right now? Are you looking for encouragement as you do? How about joining me for the Snapshots Newsletter where you'll find resources, conversation, and encouragement for you soul. 

For a little more about me and what' you'll find here, please visit my Welcome pageOn this blog, we'll be learning to cultivate a life with greater peace, joy, and freedom. 

DEAR READER:

If you, or someone you know, have been date raped & don't know where to turn, may I pray for you?
You can let me know by responding in the comments below or sending me an email.
Dear one, you matter. My experience may not be yours, and that's OK.
Your experience, whatever it looks like, matters.
There is hope in the One who created you. If you are pregnant, there is hope.

You do not have to go through this alone. Please know that my prayers are with you.
My heart cries with you for the tears you may shed.

FOR MORE: (this story continues in the posts below)
The Silent Screams of Date Rape - Part 2
Whispers of Faith After Date Rape - Part 3
Finding Hope After Date Rape - Part 4 

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