As January approached I considered this idea of having “One Word” for the year.
God kept leading me to say, and to write, “Lord I believe. Help me in my unbelief.” During a time of my prayer for physical & emotional healing, my heart & mind ascended to belief that God could & would heal me if it is was in His will. This was a new, intentional, thought process & things started to shift inside of me. Not my circumstances, but me.
For too long I’ve doubted He would heal – me. That he would step in to rescue – me.
Others, yes. Me, no.
My one word became clear. Believe.
I knew I needed to believe more about God’s character & more about His great love for me (along with all of His other children).
I knew I was still relying on my own strength & goodness rather than His. But the enemy kept whispering, “You’ve been a fool. Give up.”
And I was failing. I wanted desperately to give up and let doubt consume me. Instead, God used my admittance of doubt to draw my heart closer. He was growing my faith. In these moments of doubt & self-reflection I’m faced with the reality of my limits and the truth of His greatness.
My heart pounds with excitement when this revelation hits and inspires. Why? Because it’s no longer up to me and I find rest in His amazing power mixed with unfathomable love.
In admitting doubt & fear the enemy loses sway & God’s truths become more alive.
Then January hit and testings came one after another. An onslaught of spiritual attacks on my mind and heart were meant to keep me from believing. Meant to make me give up.
Believe? I thought I chose a word I would encourage others in. Instead, my own desperate need to believe became more evident.
After a couple of weeks I reached the point of writing in my journal. “I’m angry at God.” It was the first time I recall ever admitting this. I suppose I’ve felt it before, but denied it. I’ve been too afraid to admit when I do wrong and just as much afraid to admit that I am weak in my faith. This perpetuates that feeling again, of relying on self and not on Savior.
God keeps reminding this hard headed woman that He’s got it, He’s stronger & it’s His righteousness that covers me. With this, I can fully admit my faults & my full emotions with him.
I remembered our Christmas sermons. The ones I cheered over because, “YES! People need to hear this!” The ones that further spoke to my own heart at this point. They were based on the Psalms and preached getting real with our emotions before God.
And then I realized, I was holding back too. It’s time to get honest with others, with myself and with my God.
So here I am, admitting again my own doubts and deep needs. Here I am Lord, calling out to you for your truth to speak louder & your love to be felt deeper.
How about you friend? Do you have doubts that God is good? That He is powerful enough? That His plans really are best? Do you doubt that is healing and love are for you? Do you wonder what He’s up to?
I’m guessing I’m not alone in my struggles, my doubts, my failures & my great desire to live a life with greater faith. I’m guessing I’m not the only one who needs to be reminded of His truths so that I may believe.
In fact, I need it so much I’ll be working on something special to remind myself. It will be my gift to you as well…
Until then, I sit here & have to laugh a bit.
God, you gave me the word believe and the first thing I really experienced as a result was doubt. Thank you for being the one who strengthens my faith. Thank you for your truths which help me get through doubt, fear and anger. Thank you, for you.
with love, Jolene
May we see the God who sees us. Trust the hand that leads us.